Courtship Forum

Tag: communication

  • 7 Signs That Should Make You Pray That Your Courtship Should Not Lead to Marriage.

    7 Signs That Should Make You Pray That Your Courtship Should Not Lead to Marriage.

    Courtship is the dress rehearsal for your marriage, and how you do it will tell a lot about how your marital experiences will look.

    But the signs are always obvious right from courtship, and here are 7 of them;



    1. You spent time discussing submission in marriage. There is no week in your relationship that you don’t have that conversation.



    2. Over communication: any person who is ready to talk to you for 24 hours is a jobless and purposeless entity.



    Dear sister, don’t let any jobless man convince you that a man needs 24 hours of speaking and talking to prove love.



    3. Under communication: if all that you talked about in about two years of courtship is, ‘how are you’, ‘have you eaten’, ‘what is your favourite colour’, ‘who is your favourite musician, bla bla bla, every eke market. My brother, you have not started ooooo. You are still playing.



    4. If you have to prove it. If you have to pass a test. If you have to show the workings that you are the one, after she/he has agreed to be with you. Brethren, if e didn’t dey, e didn’t dey nani and two, true love will not whyne you.

    If you pass the test now, how many more are you going to do to qualify as a spouse, as a parent, as a daughter/son-in-law or even as a human being?



    5. You argue about anything and everything. You have never agreed on anything in your courtship life except an agreement to marry one another.

    If you disagree on anything and everything, how then do you plan to walk and work?



    6. The person is unattractive to you. Granted, everything created by God is good, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, we shouldn’t choose by sight, but my dear,  marriage is so long and so personal to be doing it with someone that is repulsive to you.

    How do you plan on marrying someone whose physicality has never elicit a positive response from you saved hiss and dejection?

    If he is repulsive to you. Leaver her, there is a someone who thinks she/he has found his/her own Miss or Mr. World.

    7. If her/his  people hate you. Marriage is long, stressful and delicate than be doing it with unavoidable enemies, hatred, and suspicion.

    If they hate you, leave their son and daughter for them.

    May God deliver you from problematic courtship in Jesus name

  • THAT MARRIAGE CAN STILL WORK – Adetutu Oshofowora.

    THAT MARRIAGE CAN STILL WORK – Adetutu Oshofowora.

    I’m going to start my work this year by talking about an observation that I’ve made about Marriages generally. In the almost 30 years that I’ve had the privilege of handling different marital issues, I’ve observed that Many of them didn’t have issues at the beginning and they are also two good people.

    Yet, they just realized that few years down the line, especially around 3 years upwards, they just don’t understand each other again. They keep fighting and quarrelling. These quarrels eventually opens the door for so many other opportunistic vices of marriage, and after a while both of them become so miserable and they just want to go their separate ways if only to have peace.

    Now I know that we do have marriages that are terrible and toxic and shouldn’t be saved. By now you should know my stand on different areas of marriage. But countless marriages going through stuff can be saved, and we have them in the majority. Many Homes that broke down could have been helped. I am starting this year with HOPE FOR HOMES, because indeed that home can still work.



    THE USUAL SYMPTOMS AFTER 3 YEARS THEREABOUTS.



    Are the following things a good description of your Marriage presently?

    • The husband seems less attentive, is more brusque, busy and impatient. The wife is wondering who this stranger in her home calling himself her husband is 😂.
    • The wife seems to always have something to complain about, tense, tired, cries (if she’s the crying type) or just fight him, lollll
    • It looks as if the sweet romantic bubble that characterised the dating and courtship period just busted and disappeared into thing air.
    • You seem to talk less, the romance is fading, it sometimes looks like the introduction of marriage into your lives simply brought misery into it, you are both fed up, lollll.
    • You practically argue about everything, quarrel over everything including very unnecessary things. It’s like you don’t understand each other again.
    • Your sex life has become a shadow of itself. Before, you seem not to be able to stay off each other, but now, everything is so drab and boring. And the wife is even always saying No.
    • And worst case scenario. You both realize that it seems you are having emotional affair with someone else.


    These are just some of the issues and frustrations that young homes, especially those in the first three years upwards, it may not be all, but I’m sure many of you married out there can identify, often when these issues are not properly handled, they now invite in their distant but more dangerous cousins like bitterness, strife, unfaithfulness etc into the home. In fact many homes who finally broke down can trace the beginning of their problems to those times. It started small but everything just escalated and went downhill from there.

    Now, I am bringing this up because I want you to know that just cause you are passing through that valley in your home now doesn’t mean that it’s over and so you should give up, throw in the towel and conclude that you have married the wrong person. Not necessarily, you may just be passing through the TRIAL period and not handling it well.

    You see, like I always say, a successful marriage is not a gift, it’s the reward of consistent and persistent commitment and input of both parties to make it work. Yes, marriages are made in heaven because Marriage is God’s product but they are implemented and used on earth where things are far from perfect.

    Remember that both the house built on the sand and the one built on the Rock will both experience the wind, the storm and the rain so because you married a good Person doesn’t mean that challenges and issues will not arise, the good materials of your home foundation will not stop the storms from coming, they can only help to cushion The impact of those challenges and how far it will go depending on your understanding of what is happening and how effectively you can use God’s instructions to manage and handle them.

    This morning I will first highlight for you some of the factors that can cause frictions and issues and frustrations within those first few years. Very simple, salient yet potent though definitely non exhaustive. To treat an ailment, you must first diagnose it. Often, understanding the why of your challenge alone is therapeutic. So why are you having those issues:



    1. ROLE REALITIES: whether you face it or not, marriage instantly confers new roles and responsibility on each partner especially the man, he knows he’s now the husband man, the father, etc, this new mindset often makes them more focused on working to provide for his family, it increases his tension, make him more stressed emotionally and physically, gets more angry, less patient and of course, who bears the brunt of all these, the same woman he’s trying to satisfy which sets into motion a ricochet effect and reaction too from her. He thinks he’s doing everything for her but unknowingly he’s hurting her in the process and she’s gradually hating him for it.

    2. LESS TALK: the constant busy schedule of both of them, which becomes worse if they are now good Christian workers or leaders in church often kills communication between them. They are either busy at work, busy in church or busy at home, so they stop talking, as in really communicating, and since communication is the heart, power house and life of any relationship, once they stop talking, they understand each other less and of course, fight more.

    3. THE BLESSED BABIES: it’s within the first 3 years that babies comes, and believe me when I tell you that those tiny little blessings can strain a marriage if not properly handled, first the new mother makes the mistake of diverting ALL attention to her new baby, neglecting her first love, and expects him to understand and not complain, if he complains, he looks like a bad husband and father so he shuts up but carries resentment and anger inside which of course shows once in a while in outburst. The new mother too is stressed and tired. She’s not sleeping well, always working combining all sorts of responsibility together and often without enough help. Then you wonder why she’s in a Dracula mode. You say nonsense, she gives you back straight. She cannot come and go and die please 😂. The rest is history…

    4. LIBIDO SUICIDE: Haven’t you noticed that for many couples, their sexual life crashes within the first 3 yrs, especially when the first baby arrives and why? Because of number 3 above. Sex is mostly not even on the list of to do things for the wife then because she’s TIRED! Even her tired is tired believe me. The poor guy ain’t getting much again, the few times he is obliged, he can see that she’s either not enjoying it or simply wants him to do whatever he wants to do and get up. It’s also not her fault, she’s going through a lot.

    She herself is confused about why she’s not responding, he too starts doubting himself because of her poor responses or total lack of it, both of them get disillusioned and fed up, tension is building, they are drifting apart, angry strangers in the same house, constantly but secretly asking the question, “what happened to US”.

    6. IN-LAW TERRORISM: it’s also within the TRI year that meddlesome in-laws and their Co labourers which I like to call “The concerned but indiscreet friends and associates” have the first opportunity to besiege the marriage and if not properly handled by the couple, can introduce serious disagreement into the home. I’ve seen couples having serious fights over the husbands parents who insists that the naming of the first born must be done in their house no matter how far the place is. Very ridiculous mindset, the rationale of it beats me, but this and many other intrusions causes tension.

    7. PROXIMITY PALAVER: The painful truth is that no matter how nice and beautiful your relationship in courtship was, marriage introduces a proximity that causes two things :
    A. Overfamiliarity which makes both of you to take each other for granted often subtly and unknowingly and
    B. Your faults and weaknesses becomes more pronounced and magnified now that you are always together. The constant closeness reveals formerly covered little habits & traits, e.g, he doesn’t flush the toilet every time he wees, lolll, she doesn’t take her bath every night! He doesn’t wash his mouth at night! Good gracious! Lolll. He likes kissing early in the morning but his mouth is still smelling or so she thinks, some traits that they even formerly once found attractive can take on a whole new irritating cloak just because of proximity and the list goes on…. Little things that creates resentment.

    9. FINANCIAL CRISIS: I need not talk much about this, we all know how it can cause fight….. And since many couples made the mistake of going into debt to even conduct the marriage ceremony. They started the marriage with financial strain. Won a fee ja pa (they will so quarrel!) You see, it takes finance to run romance, so when there are money issues, fights abounds.

    Now imagine all the above and some other factors like delay in child bearing, loss of a job, ill health of a close family member etc being brought together on a young marriage regularly, suddenly, unexpectedly and for a long space of time, imagine the tension and how it can Rock the boat and if not handled well capsize it.

    My purpose of telling you all this today is to help someone out there, a young couple out there who is going through a rough time and you are thinking that something is wrong with your marriage, something is wrong with your partner, you want to give up. No! Don’t think like that! You are fine, you will overcome the TRI & TRIAL seasons, once you hold on, change your mind set that your partner is deliberately hurting you and then take the necessary steps, things will stabilise.

    I will be addressing the steps to take in another post so that this one will not be too long, but the main purpose of this post is to encourage and inform you so that you will know that there is hope, don’t let go, many of us too have passed through what you are going through in different degrees and measures, we are here standing strong just because we faced it, handled it and surmounted it, turning that challenge into a glue which held us more closely together.

    Like my pastor will say, the fact that you see a couple standing strong doesn’t mean they have no issues, it only means they handle it well. Till next time when I talk on how to Handle the TRIAL years, I want you to just know for now that it is well with your home, you are not alone in whatever you are passing through and believe me when I say that things are not as bad as they seem, it’s all about perception.
    Watch out for THE CONCLUDING PART OF THE SOLUTIONS TO THESE ISSUES. Shallom.


    Wishing you all a beautiful 2024. Your lives and Marriages will advance by Grace this year and your Progress will be evident to all.
    Adetutu osofowora (TUSKY)

    …a successful marriage is not a gift, it’s the reward of consistent and persistent commitment and input of both parties to make it work. Yes, marriages are made in heaven because Marriage is God’s product but they are implemented and used on earth where things are far from perfect.

  • Your Husband is not Cheating on You.

    Your Husband is not Cheating on You.

    Love and communication in marriage and courtship are two different things; the former is usually short, meaningful and heartfelt than the latter.

    Communication in courtship is more about proving yourself worthy while that of marriage is more of keeping the house running smoothly.

    Also love in the latter tends to be physical and pardon my language, mundane, but in marriage, love spells the word of protection, provision, and preservation of lives, destinies, properties, family norms, culture and values.

    That’s why a man who will took notice of your new hair every week while you are still dating will hardly notice you make your hair under his roof. The fact is that he didn’t stop loving you but he is now loving the real you devoid of makeup and it’s why you seem not to be bothered about it because what you are loving is no more fleeting but tangible.

    The love was still there but the priority has shifted to another thing entirely.

    Nota bene; this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t appreciate your wife new hairstyle.

    It is also the reason you and husband used to chat through the midnight and almost 24/7, while separate, but now your communication tends more to kids’ affairs (if you have one), in-laws, siblings, career progression, and many other matured convos in marriage.

    Seriously, you guys didn’t lose your communication vibes it is just that it matured to better things to discuss than what do you eat today.

    Same reason a guy who is always afraid that something bad might be happening to you if he called two times without you answering it, now want to be left alone for some period.

    Nothing is happening to you, it is just that your love and communication have matured.

    Abi what do you think? Let’s discuss in the comment box.

  • 12 THINGS THAT A WIFE (NEW OR OLD) SHOULD KNOW ABOUT IN-LAW RELATIONSHIPS – Madam Modupe Ehirim

    12 THINGS THAT A WIFE (NEW OR OLD) SHOULD KNOW ABOUT IN-LAW RELATIONSHIPS – Madam Modupe Ehirim

    One very significant life transition that a woman goes through is getting married,

    In the evening on my wedding day, when it was time to go with my husband and his people, I broke into tears.

    My husband’s sister turned to him and sked, “Why is Dupe weeping?” He had no answer.

    In that moment it hit me that my life would never be the same again. In the twenty-seven years before I married, I had been with my parents and my siblings. Although I went to boarding house and lived on campus, my parents’ home was the home I knew. My nuclear family were the ones I had done life with.

    In the next couple of years, I became the “madam’ of my home with al the responsibilities that came with it. To be honest, I didn’t know that managing a home involved such huge responsibilities.

    Motherhood was soon added. With that came the recruitment of a domestic assistant. I was now managing a home of four people – husband, wife, baby, domestic assistant.

    I had seen my mother managing her home in my family of origin.

    This gives you an insight into the anxiety that accompanies the transition of a young wife.

    In addition to all of the above, the young wife is also now part of her husband’s family.

    Frequently, there is no obvious onboarding process. It is assumed that she will fit it in to her new community on her own.

    Add these two things to the mix.
    * She may have heard that stories of cantankerous mothers-in-law and sisters-in-law.
    * Her in-laws may also have heard stories of feisty young wives who come in to their husband’s families and cause trouble.

    When you put all these things together, it isn’t any surprise that conflicts erupt.

    Dear wife, let me share with you twelve things that you should keep in mind as you try to make your way through the significant change that marriage brings to your life.

    1. Your Role in the Family:
    Understand that you are now a CRUCIAL member of your husband’s family. Even if other members don’t look at you that way, don’t ever forget it. You are also a partner in your own family which you are starting with your husband..

    2. Clear Communication:
    Effective and respectful communication is key to resolving conflicts and maintaining positive relationships with your husband, mother-in-law, and other family members. No matter how much you think you know about your husband’s family, particularly in the early stage of your marriage, there is still a lot that you don’t know about them and why they behave the way they do.

    3. Autonomy:
    You have the right to make decisions about your own life and family. Your autonomy should be respected and protected. There is a possibility that your in-laws don’t know how to have adult-adult relationships. Educate yourself about how to have healthy adult-adult relationships and maintaining healthy relationship boundaries.

    4. Respect for Elders: Show respect for your husband’s parents and other elder family members, even if you don’t always agree with them.
    Respect – due regard for the feelings, wishes, or rights of others

    5. Cultural Sensitivity:
    Be aware of and respectful of cultural norms and traditions within your husband’s family, and find a way to balance them with your own values and beliefs. Even if you are from the same tribe as your husband, you may find that his family has cultural practices which your family of origin doesn’t have.

    6. Set Boundaries: Establish boundaries and make them clear to both your husband and your in-laws. Boundaries can help prevent conflicts related to personal space, privacy, and decision-making. For more on this subject, please read Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, “Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Relationships”.

    7. Your Husband’s Role:
    Understand that your husband plays a crucial role in mediating conflicts and supporting your relationship with his family. Communicate openly with him about your concerns. If before you married him, you didn’t see him take a stand for himself with his family, and you chose to marry him, do not expect him to suddenly become your champion. I refer you again to the book I mentioned in no. 6 above.

    8. Financial Matters:
    Be open and honest about your financial situation with your husband and work together to make decisions about budgeting, spending, and financial goals. How you choose to manage money in your home is left to you and your husband to decide BUT if both of you are not on the same page about the PRINCIPLES that guide financial decision making, there will be trouble.

    9. Common Ground:
    Seek common ground and shared interests with your mother-in-law. Building a positive relationship can help reduce tension. I refer you again to the book in no. 6 above for guidance in building a healthy relationship.

    10. Handling Criticism:
    Be prepared to handle criticism gracefully, whether it comes from your in-laws or your own family. Remember that not all criticism is valid or constructive. Build your capacity to shake off invalid and/or destructive criticism.

    11. Respect for Family:
    Seek to know and show appreciation for the family’s values and traditions, even if they differ from your own. Respecting your husband’s family’s customs can go a long way in fostering goodwill.

    12. Self-Care and Emotional Well-Being:
    Take care of your own physical and emotional well-being. Marriage and family dynamics can be challenging, and it’s essential to prioritize your health and happiness.

    Remember that building and maintaining positive relationships with your husband, mother-in-law, and other family members take time and effort.

    Open communication, empathy, and a commitment to resolving conflicts constructively are vital in creating a harmonious family environment.

    P. S. I wrote other posts that speak to your husband, your father-in-law and your mother-in-law. Everyone has a role to play. Visit my page to read those posts too.

  • Should partners check each other phones?

    Should partners check each other phones?


    One of those debates we have on social media that are laughable is this.

    Some women engaged in this silly act because they want to ‘know’ their husbands or fiances.

    Furthermore, some have an axiom that say, men’s phones are onions, the more you look, the more the tears hence some ladies completely abstain from their partner’s phone.

    Dear, if you go about checking your partner’s phone behind his/her in order to gather some info about him/her or you completely abstain because you don’t want to see what may ill your heart, may I tell you that the phone, chats and or the messages are not the problem, your partner, you and the situationship you are calling relationship are the problems and you all have problems.

    You have the problem of trust. Had it been, you won’t be looking for what is not lost.

    There is problem of misplace priority because that is a case of leaving leprosy to treat ringworm.

    You have a problem of communication because reading chats and checking message are not the wisdom routes to knowing your partner. Wetin happened to prayer, observation and communication?

    You have problem of love. If there is one, your phone is the least thing your partner will have access to.

    Therefore leave the phone and go and work on your relationship. Leave the symptoms, go and treat the disease.

    And lastly men’s phones are not onions. If you believed contrarily, you have been lied to.

    #dadkylexy #christiancourtshipanddatingadvices

    Afterthought 1

    By norms, I don’t check my partner’s phone not because I don’t want to see what will ail me but because I trust my wife. Two, my wife’s place of work deals with confidential data of people.

    Afterthought 2:

    Some partner’s phone may not be easily accessible for their partner because of the nature of their works, e.g., bankers, big data company employees, counsellors, pastors, policeman, etc

  • October Challenge Day 6 – Your life without a smartphone: what does it look like?

    October Challenge Day 6 – Your life without a smartphone: what does it look like?

    Here I am again. Day 6 of #OctoberChallenge and it is a question – Your life without a smartphone: what does it look like?

    My life was probably ‘on halt’ when I lost my phone.

    I can’t transfer money.

    I can’t call anyone.

    I don’t know anything going on in the country or even in my small town.

    No song, no video. Everything. Blank

    99% of my day-to-day life was technically grounded.



    But there are some benefits to staying offline for some time, part of it is a purified mind.

    Now, If I was to ask you, ‘can you live for some weeks without your smartphone,’ you will probably replied in the negative.

    But I want to tell you that though it won’t be easy but you will survive without it.

    You will survive without your smartphones and social media apps and I am advising you to try it. Doing so will tell you that there is a life separate and different from online life.

    Have you live for a week without your smartphone for a week? How was your experiences? Any advantage or disadvantage? Share in the comment section.

    #dadkylexy #octoberchallenge

  • How the Marriage of Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Rhoda Adésooríre almost crashed after five years.

    How the Marriage of Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Rhoda Adésooríre almost crashed after five years.

    You don’t love me anymore.

    Samuel Adésooríre and Rhoda Adesola were lovebirds in school. Samuel was the school fellowship president while her fiance was the sister coordinator even though both of them are not from that denomination.

    Talk about grace, depth, leadership acumens and what have you.

    Their Relationship continues after schooling and this will end in a happy Christian home. In Christian slang, a kingdom Courtship moving to it permanent site of kingdom Marriage and their Relationship is godly – no sex and no yhdvdkccf 🙄🙄

    Click here to download God doesn’t want you to be a virgin Ebook free of charge so that you too can be like them.

    The other reason being that the love is mutual and the submission is top-notch. Each can’t do without the other. Infact people in the neighborhood have started using them as example of what a godly courtship and marriage should be.

    You thought they are angels? Of course not for during their courtship stage, they have their shares of intending couples’ fights, malice, misunderstanding, battles yet all were weathered maturely.

    After NYSC, they decided to get marry owning to go-ahead from both parents, mentors and their pockets (both got where they are being paid what can afford them comfortability) and their wedding was lite.

    Everything done that was done as how a Christian couples and families ought to.

    Click here to see how a Christian weddings should go

    Five years after wedding, they are contemplating divorce but before they proceeded, as they have agreed before marriage that should chicken comes to roost, we will consult our pastor before the next action. 🤷🤷🤷🙄

    Now, let’s see what transpired in the pastor’s office 👉👉👉

    ‘But why are you getting divorce. Bro Samuel, sister Rhoda, your marriage is an example to many in this church. What could have happened?’

    None answered.

    ‘Is there cases of adultery, domestic abuse, financial irresponsibility, undisclosed matters, inlaws problems or any?’

    Both nodded in negative.

    ‘Then what is happening, can somebody please tell me something’

    ‘He doesn’t love me anymore,’ said Rhoda. 😭😭😭

    ‘How can say that I don’t love you anymore.’ 🙄

    ‘Everybody knows that I do.’😰😰

    ‘I don’t love you but I just bought you car this last month.’ 🤔🤔

    ‘I don’t love you but I stay in the kitchen with you.’ 😠😠

    ‘I don’t love you but I called you 3 times daily during working hours,’ he interrupted.😡😡😡

    ‘Daddy, please ask him when last did he said I love you to me.’ 😢😢

    ‘When last did he write a poem for me (like he used to do during our dating period).’😢😢

    ‘He has even stopped calling me romantic names since I gave birth to Junior,’ she fired back. 🙄😰🙄

    ‘But but…’ he retorted.🙄🙄

    And pastor bust into laughter 🤣🤣

    ‘Sir, I have my own to say oooi.’

    ‘Since the birth of our first kid, iya Junior has used him to replace me.’

    ‘Sex is non existent owning it up to some ministerial burden.’

    ‘Food is anyhow (and she knew I don’t eat outside) and he doesn’t even attend to my family properly,’ he accused.

    (Meanwhile, during this back and forth, pastor was listening with rapt attention).

    ‘Hmmm!’ pastor heaved a relief sigh and and said, ‘my brother and sister, I appreciate you for honouring me as your shepherd. First, you have minor issue but big misunderstanding about love and submission.

    ‘My brother, it is a known fact that you truly love your wife but Love means different stuff to different women. E.g., if you are observant you could have noticed that the finest and the largest part of our house was the kitchen. I purposely designed it so because my wife loves cooking and that most times, we don’t wear asoebi because she is non-PDA’

    ‘So my brother, love your wife as she wants not as you want, not as your mentor/pastor taught or as you read in books.’

    ‘As for you, my sister, I know you are a submissive wife and you too know, for a fact, that your husband loves you but be it known unto you today that a man measures submission by making him the the first person in his life. He hated replacement for he is a jealous being like his God. Two, he need sex, good food and his family respected. I repeated, 8/10 mens are jealous, want sex, food and his family cater for and it is only through those avenue that he felt that you loved him.’

    I hope you understand me, brother and sister.

    Both nodded in affirmation, called their lawyer to back off, prayed together in pastor’s office and live happily after.

    1. …love your wife as she wants not as you want, not as your mentor/pastor taught or as you read in books.’

    2. a man measures submission by making him the the first person in his life. He hated replacement for he is a jealous being like his God. Two, he need sex, good food and his family respected.

  • Day 15 – Study.

    Day 15 – Study.

    I am sorry that I couldn’t bring up #ReviveYourRelationshipChallenge. There was a need to reset my phone to factory settings last Saturday which leads to lost of many things – documents, contacts, images, passwords, etc., including the guide of this challenge.

    Presently, I am trying to recover some of those lost items via Google.com but life must continues.

    Today, our focus is study and what I want you to study is the word of God together. Take a book of the bible and study together. It will help your family and strengthen the bond of love.

    I don’t want you to make this a one-time affair but a daily consistent doings.

    But how do I do this? Follow this simple three steps; decide on the book of bible together (I will suggest Song of Songs 😍😍😍) and read verse by verse, one after the other and take it slowly and lovingly.

    Benefits of Reading Bible together.

    1. It makes you to know about God and His will for your as a family.
    2. It deepens your commutation.
    3. It enhances family prayer life

    To round today off, let’s read together, Song of Songs chapter 2, verse 15; Catch the foxes for us — the little foxes that ruin the vineyards — for our vineyards are in bloom.

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