Yesterday I put up a post about LESSONS FROM MY LIFE AND MINISTRY, things I’ve observed and learnt in my years of counselling and being married that I observed often affect young marriages and then when not properly handled can destroy a home that should have succeeded.
Now I know that probably again this morning your spouse has once again pissed you off and probably one or both of you have left the house so angry you feel like removing his/her head or just calling it quit, lolll.
But let’s perform an experiment together, it’s a bad one but just follow me. Pause and imagine for a fleeting moment that he/she just died and you were told. I can see the shock and fear and trepidation on your face already, die! You are already rejecting it in Jesus name, lolllll.
That tells me you still love him/her ,you are just angry, and the fact that your spouse can still annoy you is my own evidence that there is still passion between you both so there is hope. And none of you will die in Jesus name, you will live so long together, all your teeth will have gone, kissing will become a challenge, but you will keep trying anyway, lollll.
Today I’ll be dropping some hints on how to navigate those periods and make the best of them, allowing the not too nice experiences to help strengthen your bond. So here are some tips that I hope will help someone out there, as usual, they are not exhaustive.
10 WAYS TO HANDLE THE TRIAL YEARS.
1. YOUR SPOUSE IS NOT YOUR BETTER HALF: Try and reduce some of the guangantuan, Everest like and unreasonable expectations that couples have over each other, the major ones being that he/she must meet all your emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical needs. And he/she must also meet up with all your expectations and standards.
No single human being was designed by God to meet all your needs, stop putting too much burden and expectations on each other. You expect your spouse to kill the cockroaches, put on the Gen, buy the fuel, fetch the water, drive you everywhere, repair your phone, know when you are sad without you showing it, hear your unspoken fears, be ready for sex 24/7, counsel you on all issues, always have answers, and must never get angry, but always nice and smiling with you. Haba! He/she is not God now. Look, have other significant Relationships in your life that can also do some of these things for you, as long as you are not compromising fidelity.
Listen to me, it took me years to understand this, if you get it now, it will save you serious headaches. Your spouse is not your “Better half”, that adage though so nice sounding is wrong and has caused a lot of problems because it has coloured people’s perception of their partners. Your spouse is not better, nor is he/she your half who is expected to complete you. No, at all. He/she is frail and human like you, prone to misbehaving like you, is a work in progress like you. He/she is not in your life to complete you, that is the work of God, they are there to complement you, so cut each other some slacks, this will reduce poignant disappointments and enhance better understanding. I’m not saying have no expectations, I’m saying be reasonable and realistic with them, and when the person falls short, remember he/she is human like you.
2. MANAGE PERCEPTIONS: Remove from your mind that everytime your partner does something that hurt or annoy you, it was deliberate, intentional and premeditated. You see, except you married a he or she devil (and in that instance which I also know exist, your case is a bit different from what I’m addressing today), it’s not regular that your hubby or wife will be so jobless as to sit down everytime to plan how to make you miserable.
Most times, these issues are default mode actions, impulsive reactions, many times born out of ignorance and lack of perception. Now when you understand this, it helps to forestall bitterness, you see, when anger has not reached bitterness, it is containable. Your perception and interpretation of occurences is very important. Once you believe it’s intentional, you will be broken and believe me, most times, the other person is as hurt as you are.
3. LOGICAL LADIES HAVE MORE RESULTS: My dear ladies, the average guy until years of both good and bitter experiences teach him, is not often naturally expressive, very few of them are.
God did not wire them like that o, it is nurture, culture and upbringing that made most of them to have that weakness.
They get flustered, flummoxed and out of their depth when confronted with emotions, so understand that he is just confused when he seems not to know the proper reaction to your tears or anger, and so instead of holding you and saying sorry, he’s just blabbing and defensive or worse, looking like a dum dum, (sorry guys, I’m trying to help you out here, lolll). It’s not that your predicament and feelings are not touching him, he is clueless over how to properly respond. So when he’s acting dumb like that, pity him, understand his handicap. He actually needs help. Don’t accept it as the norm, keep raising it without attacking him. He will adjust over time. But you will get hurt less if you approach it more logically sometimes.
4. MUSHY IS GOOD 😂: Guys, I’ve said it over and over again, your wife is an emotional creature. Again, women were not created by God to be so emotional, or to be more emotional than Men. The earlier factors I mentioned affected many of us, molding us into who we are today.
So my Brothers, you just have to learn to be mushy sometimes, you don’t have to feel like it, act it if you must, it will give you peace. If you don’t know how to respond to a woman’s emotional outbursts, seek knowledge, seek counsel, don’t be too proud to call for help. You don’t know and you don’t want to know, what’s wrong with you.
I’ve once told you guys, you must first make love to your wife’s mind before you make love to her body. An emotionally starved and unstable woman is often a tree like lover, cold and unresponsive. So Bro, get your acts together please. Be more tender, affectionate etc.
5. MARRIAGE IS DATING GALORE: Don’t stop Courting each other. This point is so very important. A lot of homes are in trouble now because shortly after marriage, they stopped courting each other, what do I mean?.
You see, the reason why your dating days were sweet and interesting is because you guys were sweet on each other, the texts, love notes, surprise gifts, looks, touch, etc. You courted each other, then after marriage, you stopped and then you wonder why you are fighting always.
If you are not loving, you will be fighting now, or how do you plan on releasing all that tension. See, marriage is not supposed to end courtship, it’s supposed to enhance and empower it. Stop listening to all the nonsense they tell you that after marriage, you will now face reality, meaning you can now start taking each other for granted. All these Nonsense mindset must stop in 2024.
Take time out for God’s sake, send love texts, if you don’t know what to say, go and look for my posts on “words that flutters the heart”, there are plenty lyrics there for you. Love is like a glowing coal, when you stop fanning it, it dies. Keep courting each other. Don’t become pathetic lovers in a bid to be good parents and responsible spouses. Marriage was designed by God to be dating square and courtship raised to power 2. A hungry person is an angry person. When you are both emotionally starved, you will often be angry with each other.
6. ADDRESS ISSUES, DON’T ATTACK PERSONS: Keep talking and raising the issues but avoid accusations and insults as much as possible especially we wives, remember our own strength is often In our tongues, we are graced with a prolific ability to use adjectives and shout. I’m not saying its bad, it’s a grace but use it wisely. As much as possible, address issues not attack his person.
For example, something happened between my hubby and I in church after service one day. He wanted to branch at the clinic again on our way home to review a patient and I didn’t want him to. Now some 15 yrs ago, I would have said something like, “you are always neglecting me for your patients” but that is attacking his person, and he will naturally be defensive and it will cause fight, lollll, but what I said was : “I don’t want you to go back tonight, I need you at home and I have a right to my husband too and you know it’s not always that I ask for your attention or presence”. Now that is addressing the issue. We pulled it a bit but I finally had my way, his face was a bit hard but there was no offense. All these happened right inside church with so many people around us yet no one suspected or knew what we were talking about because voices were not raised, issues were being calmly addressed and personalities were not being attacked.
We also didn’t get there overnight. So you can do it too, if you put your mind to it that we can talk about issues without throwing accusations around. Most men are very defensive about accusations.
To avoid a too long post. I’ll drop the remaining 4 tomorrow. Watch out.
Adetutu osofowora (TUSKY)
Courtship Forum 