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I’m going to start my work this year by talking about an observation that I’ve made about Marriages generally. In the almost 30 years that I’ve had the privilege of handling different marital issues, I’ve observed that Many of them didn’t have issues at the beginning and they are also two good people.

Yet, they just realized that few years down the line, especially around 3 years upwards, they just don’t understand each other again. They keep fighting and quarrelling. These quarrels eventually opens the door for so many other opportunistic vices of marriage, and after a while both of them become so miserable and they just want to go their separate ways if only to have peace.

Now I know that we do have marriages that are terrible and toxic and shouldn’t be saved. By now you should know my stand on different areas of marriage. But countless marriages going through stuff can be saved, and we have them in the majority. Many Homes that broke down could have been helped. I am starting this year with HOPE FOR HOMES, because indeed that home can still work.

THE USUAL SYMPTOMS AFTER 3 YEARS THEREABOUTS.

Are the following things a good description of your Marriage presently?

• The husband seems less attentive, is more brusque, busy and impatient. The wife is wondering who this stranger in her home calling himself her husband is 😂.
• The wife seems to always have something to complain about, tense, tired, cries (if she’s the crying type) or just fight him, lollll
• It looks as if the sweet romantic bubble that characterised the dating and courtship period just busted and disappeared into thing air.
• You seem to talk less, the romance is fading, it sometimes looks like the introduction of marriage into your lives simply brought misery into it, you are both fed up, lollll.
• You practically argue about everything, quarrel over everything including very unnecessary things. It’s like you don’t understand each other again.
• Your sex life has become a shadow of itself. Before, you seem not to be able to stay off each other, but now, everything is so drab and boring. And the wife is even always saying No.

• And worst case scenario. You both realize that it seems you are having emotional affair with someone else.

These are just some of the issues and frustrations that young homes, especially those in the first three years upwards, it may not be all, but I’m sure many of you married out there can identify, often when these issues are not properly handled, they now invite in their distant but more dangerous cousins like bitterness, strife, unfaithfulness etc into the home. In fact many homes who finally broke down can trace the beginning of their problems to those times. It started small but everything just escalated and went downhill from there.

Now, I am bringing this up because I want you to know that just cause you are passing through that valley in your home now doesn’t mean that it’s over and so you should give up, throw in the towel and conclude that you have married the wrong person. Not necessarily, you may just be passing through the TRIAL period and not handling it well.

You see, like I always say, a successful marriage is not a gift, it’s the reward of consistent and persistent commitment and input of both parties to make it work. Yes, marriages are made in heaven because Marriage is God’s product but they are implemented and used on earth where things are far from perfect.

Remember that both the house built on the sand and the one built on the Rock will both experience the wind, the storm and the rain so because you married a good Person doesn’t mean that challenges and issues will not arise, the good materials of your home foundation will not stop the storms from coming, they can only help to cushion The impact of those challenges and how far it will go depending on your understanding of what is happening and how effectively you can use God’s instructions to manage and handle them.

This morning I will first highlight for you some of the factors that can cause frictions and issues and frustrations within those first few years. Very simple, salient yet potent though definitely non exhaustive. To treat an ailment, you must first diagnose it. Often, understanding the why of your challenge alone is therapeutic. So why are you having those issues:

1. ROLE REALITIES: whether you face it or not, marriage instantly confers new roles and responsibility on each partner especially the man, he knows he’s now the husband man, the father, etc, this new mindset often makes them more focused on working to provide for his family, it increases his tension, make him more stressed emotionally and physically, gets more angry, less patient and of course, who bears the brunt of all these, the same woman he’s trying to satisfy which sets into motion a ricochet effect and reaction too from her. He thinks he’s doing everything for her but unknowingly he’s hurting her in the process and she’s gradually hating him for it.

2. LESS TALK: the constant busy schedule of both of them, which becomes worse if they are now good Christian workers or leaders in church often kills communication between them. They are either busy at work, busy in church or busy at home, so they stop talking, as in really communicating, and since communication is the heart, power house and life of any relationship, once they stop talking, they understand each other less and of course, fight more.

3. THE BLESSED BABIES: it’s within the first 3 years that babies comes, and believe me when I tell you that those tiny little blessings can strain a marriage if not properly handled, first the new mother makes the mistake of diverting ALL attention to her new baby, neglecting her first love, and expects him to understand and not complain, if he complains, he looks like a bad husband and father so he shuts up but carries resentment and anger inside which of course shows once in a while in outburst. The new mother too is stressed and tired. She’s not sleeping well, always working combining all sorts of responsibility together and often without enough help. Then you wonder why she’s in a Dracula mode. You say nonsense, she gives you back straight. She cannot come and go and die please 😂. The rest is history…

4. LIBIDO SUICIDE: Haven’t you noticed that for many couples, their sexual life crashes within the first 3 yrs, especially when the first baby arrives and why? Because of number 3 above. Sex is mostly not even on the list of to do things for the wife then because she’s TIRED! Even her tired is tired believe me. The poor guy ain’t getting much again, the few times he is obliged, he can see that she’s either not enjoying it or simply wants him to do whatever he wants to do and get up. It’s also not her fault, she’s going through a lot.

She herself is confused about why she’s not responding, he too starts doubting himself because of her poor responses or total lack of it, both of them get disillusioned and fed up, tension is building, they are drifting apart, angry strangers in the same house, constantly but secretly asking the question, “what happened to US”.

6. IN-LAW TERRORISM: it’s also within the TRI year that meddlesome in-laws and their Co labourers which I like to call “The concerned but indiscreet friends and associates” have the first opportunity to besiege the marriage and if not properly handled by the couple, can introduce serious disagreement into the home. I’ve seen couples having serious fights over the husbands parents who insists that the naming of the first born must be done in their house no matter how far the place is. Very ridiculous mindset, the rationale of it beats me, but this and many other intrusions causes tension.

7. PROXIMITY PALAVER: The painful truth is that no matter how nice and beautiful your relationship in courtship was, marriage introduces a proximity that causes two things :
A. Overfamiliarity which makes both of you to take each other for granted often subtly and unknowingly and
B. Your faults and weaknesses becomes more pronounced and magnified now that you are always together. The constant closeness reveals formerly covered little habits & traits, e.g, he doesn’t flush the toilet every time he wees, lolll, she doesn’t take her bath every night! He doesn’t wash his mouth at night! Good gracious! Lolll. He likes kissing early in the morning but his mouth is still smelling or so she thinks, some traits that they even formerly once found attractive can take on a whole new irritating cloak just because of proximity and the list goes on…. Little things that creates resentment.

9. FINANCIAL CRISIS: I need not talk much about this, we all know how it can cause fight….. And since many couples made the mistake of going into debt to even conduct the marriage ceremony. They started the marriage with financial strain. Won a fee ja pa (they will so quarrel!) You see, it takes finance to run romance, so when there are money issues, fights abounds.

Now imagine all the above and some other factors like delay in child bearing, loss of a job, ill health of a close family member etc being brought together on a young marriage regularly, suddenly, unexpectedly and for a long space of time, imagine the tension and how it can Rock the boat and if not handled well capsize it.

My purpose of telling you all this today is to help someone out there, a young couple out there who is going through a rough time and you are thinking that something is wrong with your marriage, something is wrong with your partner, you want to give up. No! Don’t think like that! You are fine, you will overcome the TRI & TRIAL seasons, once you hold on, change your mind set that your partner is deliberately hurting you and then take the necessary steps, things will stabilise.

I will be addressing the steps to take in another post so that this one will not be too long, but the main purpose of this post is to encourage and inform you so that you will know that there is hope, don’t let go, many of us too have passed through what you are going through in different degrees and measures, we are here standing strong just because we faced it, handled it and surmounted it, turning that challenge into a glue which held us more closely together.

Like my pastor will say, the fact that you see a couple standing strong doesn’t mean they have no issues, it only means they handle it well. Till next time when I talk on how to Handle the TRIAL years, I want you to just know for now that it is well with your home, you are not alone in whatever you are passing through and believe me when I say that things are not as bad as they seem, it’s all about perception.
Watch out for THE CONCLUDING PART OF THE SOLUTIONS TO THESE ISSUES. Shallom.

Wishing you all a beautiful 2024. Your lives and Marriages will advance by Grace this year and your Progress will be evident to all.
Adetutu osofowora (TUSKY)

• Adetutu Oshofowora

…a successful marriage is not a gift, it’s the reward of consistent and persistent commitment and input of both parties to make it work. Yes, marriages are made in heaven because Marriage is God’s product but they are implemented and used on earth where things are far from perfect.