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One very significant life transition that a woman goes through is getting married,

In the evening on my wedding day, when it was time to go with my husband and his people, I broke into tears.

My husband’s sister turned to him and sked, “Why is Dupe weeping?” He had no answer.

In that moment it hit me that my life would never be the same again. In the twenty-seven years before I married, I had been with my parents and my siblings. Although I went to boarding house and lived on campus, my parents’ home was the home I knew. My nuclear family were the ones I had done life with.

In the next couple of years, I became the “madam’ of my home with al the responsibilities that came with it. To be honest, I didn’t know that managing a home involved such huge responsibilities.

Motherhood was soon added. With that came the recruitment of a domestic assistant. I was now managing a home of four people – husband, wife, baby, domestic assistant.

I had seen my mother managing her home in my family of origin.

This gives you an insight into the anxiety that accompanies the transition of a young wife.

In addition to all of the above, the young wife is also now part of her husband’s family.

Frequently, there is no obvious onboarding process. It is assumed that she will fit it in to her new community on her own.

Add these two things to the mix.
* She may have heard that stories of cantankerous mothers-in-law and sisters-in-law.
* Her in-laws may also have heard stories of feisty young wives who come in to their husband’s families and cause trouble.

When you put all these things together, it isn’t any surprise that conflicts erupt.

Dear wife, let me share with you twelve things that you should keep in mind as you try to make your way through the significant change that marriage brings to your life.

1. Your Role in the Family:
Understand that you are now a CRUCIAL member of your husband’s family. Even if other members don’t look at you that way, don’t ever forget it. You are also a partner in your own family which you are starting with your husband..

2. Clear Communication:
Effective and respectful communication is key to resolving conflicts and maintaining positive relationships with your husband, mother-in-law, and other family members. No matter how much you think you know about your husband’s family, particularly in the early stage of your marriage, there is still a lot that you don’t know about them and why they behave the way they do.

3. Autonomy:
You have the right to make decisions about your own life and family. Your autonomy should be respected and protected. There is a possibility that your in-laws don’t know how to have adult-adult relationships. Educate yourself about how to have healthy adult-adult relationships and maintaining healthy relationship boundaries.

4. Respect for Elders: Show respect for your husband’s parents and other elder family members, even if you don’t always agree with them.
Respect – due regard for the feelings, wishes, or rights of others

5. Cultural Sensitivity:
Be aware of and respectful of cultural norms and traditions within your husband’s family, and find a way to balance them with your own values and beliefs. Even if you are from the same tribe as your husband, you may find that his family has cultural practices which your family of origin doesn’t have.

6. Set Boundaries: Establish boundaries and make them clear to both your husband and your in-laws. Boundaries can help prevent conflicts related to personal space, privacy, and decision-making. For more on this subject, please read Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, “Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Relationships”.

7. Your Husband’s Role:
Understand that your husband plays a crucial role in mediating conflicts and supporting your relationship with his family. Communicate openly with him about your concerns. If before you married him, you didn’t see him take a stand for himself with his family, and you chose to marry him, do not expect him to suddenly become your champion. I refer you again to the book I mentioned in no. 6 above.

8. Financial Matters:
Be open and honest about your financial situation with your husband and work together to make decisions about budgeting, spending, and financial goals. How you choose to manage money in your home is left to you and your husband to decide BUT if both of you are not on the same page about the PRINCIPLES that guide financial decision making, there will be trouble.

9. Common Ground:
Seek common ground and shared interests with your mother-in-law. Building a positive relationship can help reduce tension. I refer you again to the book in no. 6 above for guidance in building a healthy relationship.

10. Handling Criticism:
Be prepared to handle criticism gracefully, whether it comes from your in-laws or your own family. Remember that not all criticism is valid or constructive. Build your capacity to shake off invalid and/or destructive criticism.

11. Respect for Family:
Seek to know and show appreciation for the family’s values and traditions, even if they differ from your own. Respecting your husband’s family’s customs can go a long way in fostering goodwill.

12. Self-Care and Emotional Well-Being:
Take care of your own physical and emotional well-being. Marriage and family dynamics can be challenging, and it’s essential to prioritize your health and happiness.

Remember that building and maintaining positive relationships with your husband, mother-in-law, and other family members take time and effort.

Open communication, empathy, and a commitment to resolving conflicts constructively are vital in creating a harmonious family environment.

P. S. I wrote other posts that speak to your husband, your father-in-law and your mother-in-law. Everyone has a role to play. Visit my page to read those posts too.